Eight Months.

Posted by Sarah on Jun 2, 2011 in Life | 6 comments

Today was 8 months since I left. I left on October 1, packed up Skinny Sarah’s car with clothes and the dogs, and I never came back. Sometimes, it feels like it all never happened. That those nearly 5 years of my life were some long, epic dream that I woke up from. And other days I have flashbacks and it feels like it was just yesterday that I lived in that apartment, worked at the high school, and came home to a life I loved. But in 8 months, I can’t believe where I am and what I have done.

I have…

• Moved into my own apartment (February 1!) and lived by myself for the first time in my life
• Gotten a full-time job (just started this week!)
• Found a fabulous group of friends that I do everything with (especially my lovely ladies!)
• Managed to stay on the strictest budget of all time – and still have fun
• Learned to love my own company (most of the time)
• Discovered a ton of things that I like to do, including: golf, playing catch, cooking (well, not all the time), going to see local music, going out (which I never did before), wandering town by myself, writing poetry again…AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

My bestie commented on the fact that I am happy now. I don’t have this burden…this weight that I have to carry around all the time. This weight that held me back from doing things, trying things…wanting things. Living my life for myself, instead of for someone else, is incredibly freeing. And I won’t say that it is perfect, because I still get lonely. And it’s not easy. There are days I struggle and days that I just can’t seem to function. But they are fewer and fewer. And overall, I am happy. Which is such a lovely thing to be able to say out loud. I am really happy. Despite struggles, missteps, unexpected mishaps, bad days, sad days, and the many obstacles that got (and still get) in my way, and even had me wondering if I had done the right thing striking out on own like this, I AM HAPPY.

Also, a quick update in what’s happening in life:

• The Berkshires are finally green. However, it’s rained everyday for nearly two weeks. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: We have two seasons: Rain and Snow.
• Now that the weather is (relatively) nice, my music taste has completely deteriorated as it usually does in warmer weather. What does this mean? It means the following artists are in heavy rotations: Ke$ha, Britney, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Black Eyed Peas, and yes, even Bruno Mars.
• I think I’ve lost my interest in girly outfits. I put on a frilly dress that I used to love and looked at myself with disgust, and thought, “Who ARE you?” So, this is a bit of a problem. I actually felt UNCOMFORTABLE in a girly dress. I’m not exactly sure what to do about this – try to add edgier accessories? Scrap my girly dresses altogether? HALP!
• I really enjoy margaritas.
• I love walking everywhere. Going to town alone and running errands used to terrify me. The first time I went to town by myself when I moved back was ridiculously difficult. Now I do it all the time. Without a second thought. And I love it. These little pieces of independence, despite how small, are lovely.

Happy Dog kisses.

It’s random vlog time!

Posted by Sarah on May 18, 2011 in blogging, Life | 3 comments

In my own backyard

Posted by Sarah on May 14, 2011 in Life | 3 comments

This past week the spring weather overtook the Berkshires and everything finally turned green. Everything had been dead for so long, it seemed the leaves grew on the trees in my backyard overnight. With sunshine and spring weather comes a happier me. Especially now that I have a real, live, lovely backyard which I haven’t had since I officially moved out of my parents house and got my first apartment in 2006. I love waking up to sunshine streaming in my windows and to birds chirping, instead of the sounds of cars driving by and the smell of exhaust. My neighborhood is so quiet. I can hear the church bells ring every hour downtown and the train blow its whistle. (However, there are times of screaming neighbors and annoying children, but I am choosing to gloss over those moments because they annoy me to the extreme.)

I’ve slowly been converting my backyard into a cool place to hang out, but I lack things like a lawn mower, a weed whacker, a shovel…the basic yard necessities, so it’s a bit slow going. The former tenant left a TON of random stuff that I’ve had to throw out. I get jealous of my neighbor’s backyard, because she has 4 tiered raised beds..yes, FOUR, that all look PERFECT. I’d like to think of my yard as more of a hipster yard…it’s got some character, some messiness. I can’t keep up with the Joneses. BUT I do have a fancy hose on a fancy hose thing and a….SPRINKLER. I just picture fat girls running around in the sprinkler in my backyard. Ahh…summer. Thus far I have a cool sitting area:

The Sitting Area, featuring my cherry coffee mug, World War Z, Generation X, and my MBP

And the sitting area has a pretty spectacular view:

Why, hello, mountainous sunset.

I’ve been spending my time sitting out there watching the dogs run around, coloring my hair, watching YouTube videos at night with a friend, reading books…it’s a pretty fabulous spot. I’m instituting a taco night with my friends for the summer, to be had at my lovely little abode, and I’m looking forward to gathering people into my backyard for the first time. Little things like this excite me. I also really want to get a cheap fire bowl or fire place, so we can all sit around the fire at night…currently, I daydream a lot about my yard:

Anyone else a grandma that daydreams about their yard? What are your Spring/Summer outdoor plans?

It does get easier. But not better.

Posted by Sarah on Apr 19, 2011 in Life | 5 comments

It’s been a while since I’ve had a really personal post…being back in the mountains means that a lot of my friends here read my blog more so than they did when I was away, so it makes me a little nervous being vulnerable with the people I actually see on a regular basis. I know that seems a bit backward, as I should probably look to those people for support and comfort, but mostly I just like writing about it letting my blog be the forum for conversation as opposed to actually seeing someone face to face.

I just feel off lately. I mean I’m having a great time with my friends, writing, enjoying the nice weather (when it appears) and all of the above. Still job hunting and interviewing regularly, still keeping on keeping on. But a few weeks back something shook me. It just shook the ground that I thought I had so steady beneath me. And I haven’t really bounced back like I thought I would. And I’m really hard on myself. I’m ridiculously hard on myself when it comes to my emotions and feelings and talking about how I feel. Everyday I worry about saying the wrong things, or talking about things too much, or cracking jokes about “then” (as I like to refer to that portion of my life), or rambling about “then” when the strange mood strikes – trying to find this balance where I either pretend the last 5 years of my life never happened or actually talk about it and feel like I burden those around me. And I obsess over it until I feel anxious and nauseated.

And most of it centers not even on what I’ve said to others…but on how I actually feel. All this anxiety and panic hinge on the fact that there are still evenings when I find myself crying over my laptop. Christ, not even crying…sobbing. And I feel like a failure. I feel like a complete fraud. I put on this face and keep in firmly in place and when it slips off, I get so angry with myself. And I feel so pathetic. Usually I have the following thoughts,

Suck it up, Russell. You should be fine. You need to get over this. You need to stop thinking like this, feeling this, missing things. Stop crying, stop doing this to yourself.

Sometimes I just feel like I take these enormous steps backward. For example, the past 3 weeks or so…I can’t stand being alone. At all. I just don’t feel mentally or emotionally equipped for being by myself. And already, I start chastising myself for it. I mean come on, I’ve been living by myself for almost 3 months, and now suddenly, I can’t handle being by myself? I mean, really? I get so frustrated that I still have days where I can’t motivate myself to do the things I know should, nights where my anxiety completely takes over, and moments where I’m broken down into tears with just the dogs as my consolation. There are nights where I refuse to let myself write, or listen to music, and most of all cry. I cut those things off, because frankly, I don’t know how to deal with myself sometimes.

It gets easier. I know it does, because it’s gotten easier since October. So much easier. But sometimes it just feels like though it gets easier…it will never go away. I will never get over my marriage. I will never get over the idea that I failed at “forever.” I will never be able to listen to the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds, without crying. I will never be able to go York Beach again. I will never be able to separate such huge chunks of my life and memories into positive things, like these adorable creatures on my lap, because there is so much in my life that is tied to then…and as hard as I try I can’t twist it into something positive. And these things will always be tied to then. And that makes my chest ache.

I just want to chain smoke cigarettes on the porch, in the dark, and erase so many things from my memory so I can function like a normal person on a daily basis. So, I can stop looking over my shoulder, so I can feel comfortable on my own, stop worrying about the tiniest things, stop feeling so damn insecure around my friends, stop making stupid decisions, stop basing how I feel about myself on all these external factors and really learn how to just “be” with myself.

But it’s really hard to get yourself back on that track when even the littlest things seem like huge mountains to climb...and I just don’t have the energy to climb them.

Disclaimer

Posted by Sarah on Apr 13, 2011 in Life | 4 comments

I struggle with blogging lately. I have a vlog and some outfit posts just waiting to be put together, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation/inspiration to do so. I know my blog has been lagging. People are bored with it. My hits have gone way down from last year. I’m just maneuvering life differently. I don’t feel like I quite fit into the blog world like I used to, and that’s okay with me. I used to care about my traffic, my hits, posting everyday, being consistent…and I just don’t anymore. I’ve lost plenty of followers and readers and that’s fine – I’m probably pretty difficult to relate to at this point. I like to ramble on Twitter & Tumblr about dating, my dogs, and my ups and downs, and I get it – that’s not really what anyone cares about. I’m not fashion enough for fashion bloggers, I’m not fat acceptance enough for activists, and I’m not introspective enough for the writers.

But my whole purpose of writing this post, is to say, I’ve been writing again. Real writing. Real sitting on a bench waiting for a friend with my chococat pen and my new moleskine, writing poetry under a streetlight. And some of it I actually like. I actually read it back and think,

“YES! YES! You can still DO THIS!”

And I think that’s what matters most to me at this point. That after two years of nothing, with the dates in my old Moleskine from 2009, I have finally put pen to paper and written. Actual pen to paper. And I just feel different. When I’m writing I feel so much more whole, more centered. When I can communicate my thoughts onto paper, I feel like I can breathe easier. Like the past two years that I wasn’t writing have been this weight on my chest, that is suddenly lifted. You’d think I’d have a better way of communicating how this feels since I am a writer, but it’s almost too large, too indescribable.

The other things that have just taken precedent are my friends and conversation. Real conversations. About anything and everything over home cooked meals and wine or smoking cigarettes on various porches. I’m finding certain things in my life that make me whole. Taking these pieces and putting them where they belong. Writing, conversation, laughter, music (OH MUSIC!), cooking, long walks to town, reading at open mic nights, live music…these are all the things that make up my life now, whereas fashion, shopping etc. have all just taken a backseat. I think it’s mostly because I was so into fashion and my blog when I didn’t have much else to cling to…last year was a remarkably difficult year and my blog was often a bit of a sanctuary for me. And so was shopping. But those were my crutch…and I don’t need my crutch anymore.

So, I’m still here. And I’ll still be doing OOTD posts and writing, but I guess I’m just trying to say, things are different. And I would apologize, but I’m not going to apologize for learning more about myself and enjoying my life more. So, if you’ve made it to the end of this post, thanks. I hope you stick around.

Listless.

Posted by Sarah on Mar 30, 2011 in Life | 0 comments

I forgot how much I like making lists until I saw a List notebook at Barnes & Noble yesterday and had to stop myself from reading every list heading. And then I remembered my blog used to be FILLED with lists, GLORIOUS lists, and I thought I’d go back to that. Here is a list. Of nothing in particular.

1. I bought a new moleskine yesterday. To some, now a big deal. To me, huge. It’s only the third I’ve ever owned. And it’s the first of my new life. And holding it in my  hand, empty, light, blank…was remarkable. I painstakingly inscribed my address in it late last night and haphazardly scrawled two terrible poems in it and for the first time, felt like the writer in me was finally reemerging.

 

2. I’m obsessed with my hair. It’s gotten to this stage where it is ridiculously long and untamed and the longer I go without shampooing it, the curlier and more rockstar it looks. I thank dry shampoo for this, and my bestie said I should take to just rinsing my hair some days. It’s just this huge, dark brown, wild mane and it has become such a part of who I am right now.
3. The sun doesn’t set until after 7 now. I went to the movies at 4:40 and when it was over, it was still beautifully light out and I got to see the sunset. I’ve only had 5 hours of sleep right now, but I couldn’t resist getting up and sitting on my chaise to bask in the early morning sun.
4. I lead with my heart, despite my better judgment. This often times leads me to getting hurt by people, because I always give them a chance, even when many friends warn me not to. But I don’t ever want to change this about myself, because everyone deserves a chance.
5. I often underestimate the capabilities/wants of my body. I’ve recently rediscovered how much I love walking. Taking random trips into town to meet my bestie, late night walks to have a couple glasses of wine. The cold air, the music on my iPhone, my quick, even steps…all so satisfying.
6. I wore heels this past weekend for the first time in months. It felt like a homecoming.
7. More and more I realize I judge people by how they treat my dogs upon first meeting. Especially Schnookie…yes, I realize she tries to bite most strangers, but she was in a puppy mill in Tennessee for her first 3 years of life and has come a long way in the past four years. If you tolerate her bitchiness and still try to bond with her, I know you are good at heart.
8. There is a mini-reunion of my college housemates and I this weekend, along with a good dose of Skinny Sarah. People from my past always make me nervous, because I am never sure how they perceive me now, as my life, and myself, have changed drastically.
9. Alex and I finished the first season of Dawson’s Creek. The characters’ vocabularies crack us up. Their consistent use of the word “pedestrian” is almost too much. Also, the late 90s fashion is a bit inspiring.
10. I’ve started putting things out to the universe. I’m waiting to see how this works out.