Posted by Sarah on Jul 3, 2010 in Fatshion | 16 comments
I did something really important tonight. Something I have never fully done before in my life.
Phew. It feels good to talk about it. And I know you all know what I mean. Those dresses that still have the tags on them – they never fit, but you didn’t want to return them. Or that favorite dress that hasn’t fit in over a year, but you still hold on to it. Ya know, for when you lose weight. But tonight, as I was putting away some clothes, I decided I didn’t want those anymore. My closet should be my haven. I should open it and see all of my favorite things. My secretary dresses. All of my blazers. My crazy sweater dress and 1970s prom dress. I should look into my closet and see the dresses that don’t fit and the blazers that don’t button and feel guilty. I had dresses I refused to try on because I KNEW they didn’t fit, and I didn’t want to feel bad about myself. I love fashion. I want to love EVERYTHING in my closet.
How can I actually love myself if I am still holding on to things for “when I lose weight”? It’s such a horrible way of thinking. Such a hurtful way of thinking. It means I don’t love myself or my body.
So I just started pulling things off the hanger and making a giant pile on my bed. Patterned shirtwaist dresses, sequined vest, shift dresses, an aqua marine 70s dress…until had a pile big enough to fill a garbage bag. And then I looked in my closet.
I could wear everything in it. Every dress fit me. Every shirt buttoned. And every blazer’s sleeves came down to my wrists. I could put on anything on I wanted in that closet. I can’t really describe the feeling it I had. Less burdened. Like this clothes were literally weighing me down, and now that I was rid of them, I was free. Free of the guilt. Free of the shame.
So then I started organizing. Mind you, this is all at 1:00 am while I am waiting for Carl to get out of work so we can play with the dogs and feed the hamster pieces of apple. So, I came up with a system that makes absolutely no sense, but these are the current sections in my closet:
I mean, what type of system is that? It goes from material, to color, to style. It should be ONE category with different sub-categories…but no, those are the categories in my closet. Regardless, I just want to bury myself in it. Or at least give all of my clothes a really big hug. Or throw them a party to say thank you for being mine and fitting my body.
So in the end, it wasn’t me that needed to lose weight. It was my closet.