I really love my iPhone. And not in a girly-OMG-LOOK-AT-MY-BEJEWELED-CASE sorta away. It doesn’t even HAVE a cool case. It isn’t filled with fashion blogs or girly shopping apps. My iPhone is a carefully organized extension of my body. It has a permanent place in my right hand. Even if I am not looking at it, I am touching it. And it’s been like this since 2008, when I first purchased that gorgeous iPhone 3GS and chatted up the sales dude to convince him that I should get the 15% discount for educators in New Hampshire, despite the fact that I was neither an educator nor a resident of New Hampshire. (And I still receive that discount, to this very day.)
My iPhone is for serious life business. Like breeding dragons and talking about breeding dragons with all of my other friends that have iPhones. It’s for long, drawn out games of Dice that I play until I am delirious at 2 am and just keep ROLLING THE DICE BECAUSE I NEED A GOD DAMN FIVE OF A KIND. My iPhone is for my huge tweeting habit that has me at 23,000 tweets, because I need to let the world know about my dogs, what I’m eating, and that I took my old lady cart out for a stroll to the grocery store. And of course, I instragramed pictures of nearly everything I just tweeted about.
*I just googled “How many limbs do humans have?” on my phone, because I wanted to verify I knew the proper definition of limbs because I posted a big headline about them.
And the main reason my iPhone is such a problem, is that I have about 4 unhealthy text relationships with my close friends. What’s an Unhealthy Text Relationship (UTR)? The one where you don’t just send one text to respond, you send about 5, because you know the other person has an iPhone, so it just shows up as part of a conversation, and you really need to get out that 5 thoughts, even if 2/5 are “LOLOLOLOLOLOL” and “HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.” I have four of those to maintain, each assigned their own fancy text tone – and I have these UTRs because I need to talk about the following things with them: