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Reason #27 I am Single: My iPhone

I really love my iPhone. And not in a girly-OMG-LOOK-AT-MY-BEJEWELED-CASE sorta away. It doesn’t even HAVE a cool case. It isn’t filled with fashion blogs or girly shopping apps. My iPhone is a carefully organized extension of my body. It has a permanent place in my right hand. Even if I am not looking at it, I am touching it. And it’s been like this since 2008, when I first purchased that gorgeous iPhone 3GS and chatted up the sales dude to convince him that I should get the 15% discount for educators in New Hampshire, despite the fact that I was neither an educator nor a resident of New Hampshire. (And I still receive that discount, to this very day.)

My iPhone is for serious life business. Like breeding dragons and talking about breeding dragons with all of my other friends that have iPhones. It’s for long, drawn out games of Dice that I play until I am delirious at 2 am and just keep ROLLING THE DICE BECAUSE I NEED A GOD DAMN FIVE OF A KIND. My iPhone is for my huge tweeting habit that has me at 23,000 tweets, because I need to let the world know about my dogs, what I’m eating, and that I took my old lady cart out for a stroll to the grocery store. And of course, I instragramed pictures of nearly everything I just tweeted about.

My iPhone is basically a 5th limb.*

*I just googled “How many limbs do humans have?” on my phone, because I wanted to verify I knew the proper definition of limbs because I posted a big headline about them.

Oh, Macabee.

And the main reason my iPhone is such a problem, is that I have about 4 unhealthy text relationships with my close friends. What’s an Unhealthy Text Relationship (UTR)? The one where you don’t just send one text to respond, you send about 5, because you know the other person has an iPhone, so it just shows up as part of a conversation, and you really need to get out that 5 thoughts, even if 2/5 are “LOLOLOLOLOLOL” and “HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.”  I have four of those to maintain, each assigned their own fancy text tone – and I have these UTRs because I need to talk about the following things with them:

  • What dragons I may or may not be breeding or that I have finally summoned a third island
  • Why Alice thinks breeding dragons is the dumbest thing in the world and judges me and El
  • How long it has been since one of us has shaved our legs and if we’re planning on doing it anytime soon
  • If that loud noise outside was fireworks or a gunshot -or- OMG DO YOU THINK SOMEONE NEW IS MOVING INTO THE EMPTY APARTMENT?
  • How Mary can follow other people on instagram, because she’s having a hard time learning the iPhone
  • Random emoji over and over again because for some reason, they just don’t get old
And don’t get me wrong, I know when I can’t be texting, and I put my phone aside as much as it pains me, and I am a worker or a social creature as I am supposed to be. But I will never, ever be that chick that when her significant other is around she’s not going to answer a very important text from one of her friends about whether she should have for ramen or spaghetti for dinner or that she saw Bradley Cooper at the coffee shop in the town over. My iPhone (who happens to be named Macabee) and I come as a package deal. And I mean, if a dude doesn’t dig that when I’m sitting around my apartment I need to be making a list of things in my new list app or instagramming a picture of the juice I just made – that’s fine. Then I don’t need him.

Because I have the Dominos Pizza app with all my information saved, and I’ll just have some parmesan bites and talk to my twitter followers about it #thedudethatdoesntlikemeandmyphone

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