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Reason #3,612 I am Single: OKCupid

So, there is an on running joke amongst my friends and I basically known as:

Reasons Sarah is Single.

 

They range from the ridiculous things that I do in my daily life, to outside factors that are completely out of my control (I hope). It all started when one of my male friends came over to my apartment and saw a) my burgeoning collection of owls and b) my 3 tiny dogs. We were at the bar with some other friends that week and he described a dude’s reaction to my apartment:

“So, a guy walks in Sarah’s apartment and these are his first thoughts, ‘Oh…wow, uh, nice owl collection…oh, you have three dogs.'”

 

And from that single quip many, many months ago, there has been an ongoing randomly numbered list of reasons I am single, which you may or may not have seen me occasionally hashtag on The Twitter. And as I was thinking about how much I miss writing and I miss blogging and feeling some sort of purpose in life besides going to the Goodwill and drinking too much coffee, I realized that I may have an interesting blog series on my hands. I conferred with Alice via text (which is not her real name) and she agreed, which was a surprise because normally she just responds to my texts with “Oh, Sarah” or “I hope you didn’t buy that <insert ugly something here>.”

 

So, let’s discuss reason #3, 612 Sarah is Single: OKCupid.

 

I rarely use my OKCupid account. It just hangs around because I have this mild hope that one day a tattooed hipster that enjoys owls and dogs will shoot me a clever message that references a 30 Rock joke and we will fall in love. Like I said, mild hope.  I also keep it open because OKCupid has become one of my friends’ favorite things to read while we are out. We could be taking a break while biking, enjoying a sandwich, slumming it at a dive bar, or skydiving (okay, that’s not a thing) but my friends never miss a chance to read my OKCupid messages. And I can’t blame them. Why? Well, here are some excerpts from the top favorites:

A message in its entirety: “Love big eyes and lips. Sexy feet too?”

A nice opening, “hello sexy how r u me im just looking for a good women and no drama and long term.” (The phrase “I am looking for a good womEn is used consistently amongst my friends.)

And then there was a guy who wrote be a 5 paragraph essay based on my OKC profile, including this entire paragraph about switching from coffee to tea: “The transition from coffee to tea can be a tricky one. I did it out of necessity, coffee stopped agreeing with me. Now I spend more of my morning as a zombie, but my evenings as a refined gentleman of the countryside genteelly sipping a cup of darjeeling. The key is finding a good blend of black tea that you love, darjeeling or Earl Grey. after that it’s all about where you go to get your blend. Steeping time is pretty important too, but let’s not get into that, this is not a master’s class. “

And, last, but MOST certainly not least,  the ending to a message that I received yesterday: “Would u be willing to step on top of a man, like literally on his stomach and chest area, if he asked u to? honestly was curious.” Boom. 

I’m not looking for perfection here, dudes. Just you know, some normality. Maybe not a request for me to step on you. Some proper word usage. Nothing I need to take 15 minutes to read through. So, yes reason #3, 612 is simply, OKCupid. OKCupid keeps me single because of the caliber of men that message me and the level of dating depression I sink to after receiving said messages. So, OKCupid, this post is to you, and all he dudes that you send my way, who are just looking for a good womEn with sexy feet to step on them while they’re drinking tea.

 

Unfortunately, I’m just not that type of girl.

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  • i’d totally date the tea dude (also, as i originally typed that sentence it went “i’d do…” so maybe that too?) if i was single. 

    the online dating world is rough. i went on dates with: a pirate, a gay dude and a guy who sent a dick pic immediately following the first (last) date before finding gerry. so… there’s hope? 

  • Kamui4u

    Hipster with tattoos and an affinity for Owls? why not move to Portland 😉

  • Tandyface

    …I want to read this 5 paragraph essay with the coffee to tea conversion. He sounds splendidly ridiculous. 🙂