I wish I could get out of my own head sometimes. Once thing I’ve noticed about myself since I struck out on my own is my intense scrutiny and analysis of everything. I cannot seem to enjoy the simplest of moments, because on the inside there are five different things I am thinking about or worrying about. I can never just be at peace. I often take long deep breaths and exhale to calm the fluttering I feel in my chest and stomach, only for it to return quickly.
Simultaneously, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin, and so uncomfortable in my mind. And nearly all of it revolves around social interaction. I am constantly analyzing people’s reactions to everything. And predicting reactions. And trying to adjust myself accordingly. It’s strange because in terms of social interactions, I’ve always been quite self-assured. I’ve never really worried about what people think about me, especially my friends, but now, that’s all I think about. Small comments, a facial expression, fuck, a text message, and I will try to break down each piece until I’m sure something I’ve said/did/thought has caused someone discomfort or to be bothered by me. And AFTER I spend time with someone, I spend hours making myself feel ill about what I said, did, and how it could possibly have been annoying/pathetic/self-absorbed, etc.
Where did this all-consuming insecurity come from? This…awkwardness. And I hide it well. I don’t think people realize how anxious I am every waking moment. I was talking to my best friend about this, and she was shocked when I said that’s how I feel. I could even name 5-10 things that were floating around my mind that I was anxious about. And I can do that at any given time. I don’t think I realized it was abnormal until recently. The fact that small things consume me to the point where I don’t eat regularly, live on coffee and too much or too little sleep, and enormous amounts of nervous energy. I just can’t seem to find this peaceful balance, where I can just exist, interact, and be who I am again.
Often, like today, I can barely even verbalize what all of the things that are consuming me and making me so damn anxious. But it all just piles up until there are just days where I isolate myself so I can just try to process things or just get away from people so I don’t have to analyze everything they do and worry about it.
It must stem from losing the person that I thought embraced and loved everything about me. When you lose the person in your life that you never had any doubts about, never had any facade with, never censored yourself around…it shakes you. That sort of…rejection is so profoundly hurtful, that it scarred me deeper than I realized. Because, now I say to myself,
“If that person, who was supposed to love you forever, spend his life with you, and saw every piece of you, knew everything about you..and rejected you…”
and that beginning thought just spirals continuously. So, I feel like I need to tone myself down, or be more careful of who I am with those in my life, so they don’t do the same. It’s an exhausting and painful way to live.
I think if I could wish for one thing right now, I would wish to feel peaceful, even for a few moments.