A quiet mind.

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I wish I could get out of my own head sometimes. Once thing I’ve noticed about myself since I struck out on my own is my intense scrutiny and analysis of everything. I cannot seem to enjoy the simplest of moments, because on the inside there are five different things I am thinking about or worrying about. I can never just be at peace. I often take long deep breaths and exhale to calm the fluttering I feel in my chest and stomach, only for it to return quickly.

Simultaneously, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin, and so uncomfortable in my mind. And nearly all of it revolves around social interaction. I am constantly analyzing people’s reactions to everything. And predicting reactions. And trying to adjust myself accordingly. It’s strange because in terms of social interactions, I’ve always been quite self-assured. I’ve never really worried about what people think about me, especially my friends, but now, that’s all I think about. Small comments, a facial expression, fuck, a text message, and I will try to break down each piece until I’m sure something I’ve said/did/thought has caused someone discomfort or to be bothered by me. And AFTER I spend time with someone, I spend hours making myself feel ill about what I said, did, and how it could possibly have been annoying/pathetic/self-absorbed, etc.

Where did this all-consuming insecurity come from? This…awkwardness. And I hide it well. I don’t think people realize how anxious I am every waking moment. I was talking to my best friend about this, and she was shocked when I said that’s how I feel. I could even name 5-10 things that were floating around my mind that I was anxious about. And I can do that at any given time. I don’t think I realized it was abnormal until recently. The fact that small things consume me to the point where I don’t eat regularly, live on coffee and too much or too little sleep, and enormous amounts of nervous energy. I just can’t seem to find this peaceful balance, where I can just exist, interact, and be who I am again.

Often, like today, I can barely even verbalize what all of the things that are consuming me and making me so damn anxious. But it all just piles up until there are just days where I isolate myself so I can just try to process things or just get away from people so I don’t have to analyze everything they do and worry about it.

It must stem from losing the person that I thought embraced and loved everything about me. When you lose the person in your life that you never had any doubts about, never had any facade with, never censored yourself around…it shakes you. That sort of…rejection is so profoundly hurtful, that it scarred me deeper than I realized. Because, now I say to myself,

“If that person, who was supposed to love you forever, spend his life with you, and saw every piece of you, knew everything about you..and rejected you…”

and that beginning thought just spirals continuously. So, I feel like I need to tone myself down, or be more careful of who I am with those in my life, so they don’t do the same. It’s an exhausting and painful way to live.

I think if I could wish for one thing right now, I would wish to feel peaceful, even for a few moments.

Anonymous

And AFTER I spend time with someone, I spend hours making myself feel
ill about what I said, did, and how it could possibly have been
annoying/pathetic/self-absorbed, etc.

I do this ALL. THE. TIME. After any social interaction at all, even after going to the hair salon or the doctor. I replay everything, trying to figure out whether I said anything about which I should feel embarrassed in any way. It’s exhausting. I lose sleep over it sometimes. You are not alone.
Muriel

Hello from London! I am part of #PBAU and I love your blog. Being anxious comes with being a woman. I am always worried about something…the only thing that works for me is 2-3 mins of meditation (please don’t laugh) and a good run or walk…I look forward to reading your next posts!
http://www.facebook.com/HollyJahangiri Holly Jahangiri

Of COURSE it shakes you to the core to lose someone you “never had any doubts about.” Makes you question your judgment, your ability to “read” people, your self-worth. You don’t have to do it, though – you can say to yourself, “Look, it wasn’t meant to be – and losing them just opens the door for someone kinder, more loving, more accepting, and more wonderful to walk in.” The more anxious you are, ironically, the less self-confidence and ease you project (even if you think you’re good at hiding it); and self-confidence is amazingly attractive to people of all genders. Breathe deeply, and relax. There’s nothing wrong with you.
Mypassionbox1

Great Blog!!!
I like your thinking, don’t feel uncomfortable with your skin just enjoy life as you can and as you are…
Thanks for the Post!!!
Anonymous

Reading your post made ME anxious. I hope you figure it out before the hypervigilance wears you out. I have a daughter with anxiety to the point of panic attacks and it took years for her to figure it out and get some help…I am not saying you need it but it is an alternative to consider. Wretch still has panic attacks occasionally, but is able to recognize and talk herself through them.

Don’t let one person, no matter how much you cared for them, pull your whole life down around your feet. Believe in yourself, and you won’t need the approval of others. You have worth.

I wish you well Sarah, success and happiness.
~cath xo
Kjay

This is spookily the exact way I feel not some of the time- all of the time. Every second, minute, hour of the day hijacked by anxiety and double take moments of -”Shit, I was so selfish banging on about not getting that promotion while Katie doesn’t have a job to go to…” ” What did he mean by…” ” Why did they message my full name…”Question stems have become a constant ticker-tape parade in my mind; a poker machine of spiralling words,comments, expressions, non-verbal behaviour and mistrust spin round and round and round and as I pull the lever down time and time again the infinity of ‘poor me’ results in me distancing the people I love the most and complete dissonance.